I don't know why this thought crept upon me yday. So here I am trying to put it out and let it go. I don't remember much from my childhood. Hell, I don't remember much of lot of my life unless it has had some impact on me. Talk about selective amnesia or may be just plain old denial. Whatever...But every now and then this one memory creeps upon me.
I was in high school, if my memory serves me right. I was watching TV and was so engrossed in it. My mom wanted me to get the comb for her. I was not happy to take my eyes off the TV. But then if I don't, then my mom will give me hell, so I get up and check the shelf and tell her that it wasn't there and go back to my TV. She told me that it was there and that I should get up now and get it for her. So I do the second attempt to fetch it and I really don't see it there, so I tell her that she might have misplaced it and happily go back to TV. She gets up, goes to the same shelf, gets the comb from the same damn shelf that I have been looking and then comes back to me and catches me by my ear and gives me a earful. After a few seconds, I tune out her words and I start laughing making her more pissed off. But honestly, the only thing I remembered at that time was that I was almost all the time looking at the comb every time I searched but never seeing it. Because I was more concentrated on my TV. My looking was just a way to get her off me so that she won't disturb me :).
I don't know why, but every time I misplace something and search for it, I remember this incident. Then if I don't find it the first time, I put some more concentration to really look for the lost item. Recently, when I was talking to my friend about everything and yet nothing, I realized how in life, there were quite a lot of things that I looked at, but never saw the things for what they were, because I was not prepared for what I would feel if I really see it and understand it , I was worried that I was looking too much into things and mostly I was just plain stupid. When it matters, how I really don't see things that are laid out before me, just like the comb. But life has been good to me and has always give me more than one chance and I have had good people to help me see. I have also been trying to do good on my part to not repeat the same thing over and over again. But its sort of a pattern and I find myself in it too many time even without myself realizing it. That is why that particular memory doesn't ever go away. I won't deny that at times, just looking at things and not really seeing into it helps, because it makes me a little less judgmental but that is also my undoing. It also leads to hurt especially when someone makes me see it in black and white. I know I am rambling a bit here, but another incident invoked this memory again in me. I definitely feel bad about it, but then I am a tough gal. I just hope that I don't miss anything important in my life, just because I am not seeing it enough. That would suck.
I was in high school, if my memory serves me right. I was watching TV and was so engrossed in it. My mom wanted me to get the comb for her. I was not happy to take my eyes off the TV. But then if I don't, then my mom will give me hell, so I get up and check the shelf and tell her that it wasn't there and go back to my TV. She told me that it was there and that I should get up now and get it for her. So I do the second attempt to fetch it and I really don't see it there, so I tell her that she might have misplaced it and happily go back to TV. She gets up, goes to the same shelf, gets the comb from the same damn shelf that I have been looking and then comes back to me and catches me by my ear and gives me a earful. After a few seconds, I tune out her words and I start laughing making her more pissed off. But honestly, the only thing I remembered at that time was that I was almost all the time looking at the comb every time I searched but never seeing it. Because I was more concentrated on my TV. My looking was just a way to get her off me so that she won't disturb me :).
I don't know why, but every time I misplace something and search for it, I remember this incident. Then if I don't find it the first time, I put some more concentration to really look for the lost item. Recently, when I was talking to my friend about everything and yet nothing, I realized how in life, there were quite a lot of things that I looked at, but never saw the things for what they were, because I was not prepared for what I would feel if I really see it and understand it , I was worried that I was looking too much into things and mostly I was just plain stupid. When it matters, how I really don't see things that are laid out before me, just like the comb. But life has been good to me and has always give me more than one chance and I have had good people to help me see. I have also been trying to do good on my part to not repeat the same thing over and over again. But its sort of a pattern and I find myself in it too many time even without myself realizing it. That is why that particular memory doesn't ever go away. I won't deny that at times, just looking at things and not really seeing into it helps, because it makes me a little less judgmental but that is also my undoing. It also leads to hurt especially when someone makes me see it in black and white. I know I am rambling a bit here, but another incident invoked this memory again in me. I definitely feel bad about it, but then I am a tough gal. I just hope that I don't miss anything important in my life, just because I am not seeing it enough. That would suck.
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