When Nietzsche Wept - Intense yet interesting

Tip: Do not read this book if you are not interested in psychology, psychoanalysis or physiology. Also do not read it if you are looking for a fast paced action or thriller. It is a thriller, no doubt, but that solely deals with the working of the minds and the thought processes. If you do not want to read about two people talking for the length of the novel, don't even try this.

This whole week has been just this book and my work. I haven't cooked (except for one day when I made dosa) or even watched TV for this whole week. I started this book when I was on the train to Coimbatore. After that I couldn't touch it until I was back in Bangalore after the weekend trip. But once I resumed it, I just couldn't control myself. Psychology always interests me. But more that that, I like intellectual conversations. Conversations that trigger thoughts. Especially when I have to just listen and not participate. Its a nice feeling. I am not good in conversations. I have often realized that I use wrong words in wrong places and hence either, make myself look stupid or, worse, hurt others. But listening to interesting and stimulating conversations (not the preachy stuff.. but the casual ones).. that, I like a lot and when I join those conversations, I somehow always questions the other person's motives and try to find out why they think the way they think...

If you have already read this novel, you would know why I liked it. It was like being in the analysis sessions between Nietzsche and Breuer even without them knowing my presence. That is how I visualized it, or rather this novel made me visualize it. It makes you a viewer and in sorts, a participant of the process. You might also wonder if any of those questions or conversations were applicable to you? Now that I am done reading it, my head is heavy with so many thoughts and questions. Yet this book gave me a relief in one way. It confirmed my reasoning of a thought I had been having for some time now and that I should give it up *now*. It was interesting and comforting too.

I always thought that these ideas that we formulate in our minds are like the seeds that float in the air (I dont know their name. The ones that are very beautiful when they float..white in color..). I thought that any idea or a thought (good or bad) will grow only if you attach importance to it. If you talk about it and cherish it and try to reside with it consciously, it will become a part of *you* and that is when they slowly change you (for good or for bad). If it is a good one, that is how you have to pursue it and if it is bad one, then you should not even think of it and let it die as soon as it occurs. [ I don't know if I conveyed what I wanted to correctly..but this is my limit of expressing it :) ] I may be correct or I may be wrong but if you are already deep rooted in feelings that eat away your very soul, then psychoanalysis or the talking therapy might help just as it is done in the book.

It also shows how interesting human minds can be and how it can also be manipulated to believe or not to believe. The intricate working of the minds, the effect of the mind on the body and vice versa.. Its so so interesting. I guess I can read about it all through my life time and would still be surprised.. The first time I felt that was when I read "Crime and Punishment" and then "The Alchemist" (or in the reverse order.. I am not sure)

I guess I would have to forgo reading any book till this weekend as this book has consumed all of my energy for now and have provided more thoughts to dwell upon.

Aksharabyasam & Quick Trip to West Coast

My niece is going to start her preschool next month. She is already well versed with her rhymes (tamil, english and malayalam) and some panchatantra stories in tamil (thanks to the various Rhymes and Songs DVD she has..) Apart from this , she is getting extremely impatient at home...She has very less things to do, paavam.. So they have got admission in a pre-KG for her and wanted to do the Aksharabyasam before she started her school. 

Aksharabyasam or Akshara Abyasam is a ceremony where in they introduce to the world of writing. This is done in lot of temples. But my brother wanted to get it done in Kollur Mookambikai temple. There was my second niece's choorunnal also in Guruvayoor, which I had to skip because it came on a Wednesday and I couldn't afford to take leave for almost a week at this juncture. So I chose to go to Mangalore trip. 

We started from Coimbatore on Friday night through West Coast Express (Chennai - Mangalore) and had booked a Tavera from Mangalore for the two day trip. We reached Mangalore at around 5 am and stopped in a hotel for refreshing ourselves and with kids you definitely need it. 

We started to Kateel (Durga Parameshwari Temple) from there and reached the temple @ around 8.00 am. Had a good darshan. No rush or crowd there. It was a pity to see that there was no water in the Nandini river nearby. I had been here almost 7 years ago and remember seeing it with water. May be after the rains, there will be enough water in the rivers.

After the darshan there and getting a ZooZoo doll for my niece (she pronounces it very cutely) we started on our way to Udupi (Krishna temple). There used to be a huge arch which indicates the entrance of the Udupi, which was closed due to some construction. We reached there at around 9.30-10 am, if I am correct. We had our breakfast and fed the kids and then went to the temple. There was a huge crowd and there was a pooja going on. We had to wait for the darshan there for sometime and got in through the special entrance. This place is always crowded. My nephew is so allergic to crowd that he starts screaming at the top of this voice as soon as he sees the crowd. After the darshan inside, suddenly we realized that we couldnt find my sister in law in sight. She is easy to miss in that crowd. My brother had the 2nd daughter and I had his first daughter. With the heavy crowd we tried calling her name, but in vain. There was some panic among the members of our group. Myself and my sister got the kids outside as it was very crowded and were waiting for others to find her. Later they found her in a praharam outside as someone told her that it was the way out. And my parents were waiting on the actual exit for her. Finally it was my mom who spotted her thankfully. After that little fluster, we stopped for some purchases and then started our way to Anegudde (Ganapathi Temple).

Anegudde is in a sort of secluded area from the Udupi Krishna temple on the way to Kollur. It is a very small but nice temple. Again very less crowd here. Had darshan, played a while with the cows there. My niece and nephew had a gala time playing with them :) and started on our way to Kollur. 

We reached Kollur at around 2.30 pm and got in our rooms which was prebooked. Since my dad has been coming to this trip for almost 15 years now, he knows the people and the priests and was able to do the required travel and hotel booking well in advance. He visits these temples every year during the navarathri time. After feeding the kids and having our lunch, we all rested for a while. We then decided to do the aksharabyasam for my nephew too as he might be put in a play school sooner and that we wouldn't have to make another trip for him. We had to visit the temple in the evening for some sankalpam before we do the next day's pooja. At around 5.30 pm we started on our way to the temple. There was enough crowd but since we were taken by the priest who will be doing our pooja the next day, we got in through the special entrance queue and had a nice darshan. We all had to do the sankalpam before Adi sankara's praharam. My nephew was getting very cranky due to the crowd. paavam paiyan rombha azhudhutaan.. Once we were out, tap-la thanni ninna maadhiri azhugaiyum ninniduchu.. We rested in the temple for a while, letting the children play in the praharam. They kept running and running and running. My niece would say "athai.. thooki suthalaamaa..".. serinu avala thookinaa avanum oadi varuvaan.. rendu vaandugalaiyum thooki thataa maala suthanum.. adhuvum kovila.. paravaa illai.. aabathuku paavamillai.. enna makkal konjam loosenu ninaipaanga..adhellam paathaa aagumaa.. I just played with them.

Then when we were about to start back to our rooms, I noticed a person next to me and felt that I had seen him somewhere. I remembered him to be a director, but couldn't remember his name. I told my sister about that, by that time my brother also noticed him and went and spoke to him and got a photo with him (avan tholla thaanga mudiyala.. andha director paavam, edho koviluku saami thozha vandhaa ivan ennadaa naa ..) But he was very cooperative. My brother then told me his name. He was Sasi , director of Dishyoom. His next movie is 555 (if I remember correctly) with Bharat and a new face it seems.

We then went back to our rooms, and had a nice sleep. Sunday morning we were supposed to start by 5.30 am but got delayed (which happens when kids are there) and reached the temple by 6.30 am. aathaadi..evlo kootam.. that too for the ceremony.. there was already a batch happening in the Saraswathi Mandapam. We were waiting for our turn. This ceremony is done from 5.30 am to 1 pm only daily. It is very very crowded during the Navrathri time especially during vijayadasami and saraswathi pooja times. Only one person is allowed along with the person doing the ceremony. They will give a plate with paddy grains and a pencil like thing and they will ask you to write some letters after saying a sloka. Once that is done, they will use a golden needle sort of thing to write something (I guess its OM) on the tongue. That is all they did. There was this big guy next to my niece. Seems like he had come to do the ceremony by himself. There is seriously no age limit for this. People come in all ages to do it. It seems there is a common belief that if you do this ceremony you will get good marks..So you can see people thronging this place before their exams. Hmm.. Here I was, thinking that for getting good marks you have to study hard!!!

Once this ceremony was over, we couldnt do a darshan again because of the loooong queue. So said Hi to the goddess from outside and started our trip back as we had to catch the train the same day. We had our breakfast, and started our journey to Shringeri (Sharada temple).

Shringeri Sharada temple is another place where people do aksharabyasam. On the way to Shringeri we saw a marriage party going in cars (towards Shringeri). They were taking videos and this in turn was delaying us also as the roads were narrower (ghats..) and we couldnt overtake them..and they were moving so slowly. In a huge curve, there was a white Ritz car standing and a truck next to the it in the opposite direction and the road was blocked. Seems like there was an accident and the truck hit the Ritz.. and this Ritz belonged to the marriage party (pudhu car poala).. in a matter of few minutes, there was a big crowd (marriage party in the other cars joined us) and they all started beating up the truck driver..We couldnt see the extent of the car's damage. They asked us to stay put and were fighting freely.. We were already running late and didnt know what to do.. After some time, the driver went to them and said something and they let us  pass by.. Seems like he said that we were part of the marriage party and we were getting late to reach the mandapam..:D When we crossed the Ritz we found that the whole front portion was damaged.. papadam maadhiri norungidichu.. That was when the driver and my dad said that this damage might have happened only if the car driver was at fault. paavam.. kalyanathuku vaangina car poala.. I am sure that road might have been blocked for a long time.. thankfully our driver got us out of there sooner.

We then reached Shringeri temple. There is lot of construction happening there and so the main entrance was blocked. We had to walk a long way from the parking place to the temple. This temple is always a pleasure to visit for the river (even though Tunga had very less water this time) and its very huge fishes and also for the Shiva temple with its beautiful structure. Its surrounded by mountains on all sides and is a nice place to visit.

I am not sure if you can see the size of the fishes from this picture. And the stairs were very slippery. We also had the pleasure of seeing two elephants (kovil yaanai) and the kids just loved to touch it. They were given ample time to run on their own and play. After a relaxed darshan there, we started to Horanadu (Annapoorni Temple)

This is a very steep ghat section and there are two ways to go through it. We can go via Kalsa route or through Kudremukh. Since Kudremukh might take a slightly longer time, we decided to use the Kalsa route. Roads in some portions were very bad but the ghat views were too good. We reached the temple at around 2.30 pm and were in time for the final aarathi and meals. We generally have meals in the temple in Horanadu. rombha nalla irukum. I should say I was shocked to see the temple area. I couldn't recognize it at all. When I had come earlier, it used to be a very isolated place and the temple surrounded by the peaks , it used to be a lovely site and it used to have very less shops and buildings around, which made you feel as if you are in the tip of a mountain..But now the place was so flat.. I really felt very bad.. and so much crowd.. appadi.. I just didnt expect this much crowd here... the parking lot was full. But somehow we had our darshan and got our usual set of spices from there (its known for spices, honey etc..) and got some food packed for the kids and started our race back to Mangalore. Need to reach the station by 7 as my train was scheduled to leave to Bangalore by 7.45pm and the Coimbatore train was @ 9.30 pm. We stopped in between only in one view point, in Kudremukh which gave an amazing view of the ghats..Apart from that there was one another stop for the tea and then straight to Mangalore. The route from Horanadu to Mangalore is always a pleasure to ride.. the landscapes vary so vastly.. the ghats, the mountains, the valleys, the plains.... We were exactly on time for my train. It takes nearly 3.5 hrs from Horanadu to Mangalore through Kudremukh. My niece was reluctant at first to let me go and when my brother explained to her that I will be visiting her soon , she was happy to see me off in the train :)...she is such a cute smart kid. My nephew was already snoring. paavam he must have been too tired with all this travel. Once the train started, I went into slumber. 

We had a good trip, even though it was little tedious and strenuous especially for the kids and the elders. I actually used this ceremony to roam around as usual :D and that too with these kids... 

What am I doing ?

Recently one of my colleague asked my experience in this field.. and was surprised that I completed almost 13 years in this industry.... in 3 companies.. I guess he was expecting me to say 9-10 coz that is almost the number of years in the current company.. no one expected me to have worked anywhere else.. He then asked me one question.. what made you stick here for so long ? I think I have answered this question so many times especially to people who want to keep growing in their levels and they find it difficult to do it here because of the size of the company and the obvious politics involved. You cannot escape politics anywhere.. in any industry.. another friend of mine who had left to another big company almost 2 years ago, was complaining yesterday about the kind of politics people play in such big organizations. He was surprised that I am still in the same position and that I haven't become a manger yet :)

My need is limited and my expectations very less. I am happy to be here doing what I am doing. What am I doing ? Probably the same that I have been doing all these years. There is specifically no difference in the way I code or design since my first project in my first organization. I did some good work technically for 2 years in between and it was damn exciting.. I practically worked 10 hrs for a very meager salary. But I really loved what I did.. This industry is not what I wanted for myself. But I have fared myself well enough. I do slog nowadays as and when my experience grows here..but that also comes with some compensations, not necessarily monetary. Its in the form of the comfort zone that I am now in, where no one questions me when I am off for a day or two or I am not available for a few hours in a day or even work from home for almost half of the year.. or rather take a vacation. They know that I keep my side of the bargain - To complete the given work on the given time to the maximum level possible. Its always a give and take policy that works well. When I feel that they are taking me for granted, I hit the break, at times even without them knowing it.

Its also in the form of friends that I have earned in this company (in other two, I was hardly visible to anyone.. I kept it that way..) I am slow with people...so it does take time for me to be a 'friend' to someone.. Acquaintances - many.. but friends - less but good ones.. (I read somewhere that there is nothing like a bad friend ..may be its right..)

In the form of good relationship with the team I work.. I have had my share of miscommunications, and some times some hard feelings too.. but that is all part of this game isn't. Cannot satisfy one and all. But overall the working equation has been balanced well.

I did not expect in my life to earn so much or to be in this industry even. When I had completed two years, I thought of quitting it, but things changed and I had to stick with it. And then slowly other dependencies came up and loans .. The industry did not ask me to get a loan for whatever I got, but the money that comes this way obviously will lead to these commitments. One led to another and I am still here.. Now I have more commitments in terms of money and need this job for another year atleast.

This has never been my career.. it was always a job for me.. a job I do justice to , as I do to any other job or work I get involved. I cannot think myself without work even for a day.. I would go mad.. I am at times super hyper active and that shows up in my work tiring me down at times.. Age and lethargy is kicking in nowadays, otherwise I could do a lot more..I know my shortcomings as well as my positives..and these positives are why this company has kept me all these years even though I am not a great developer or a designer in technical terms... My laziness and my need for some money is what is keeping me here till now. People say that I could switch and get a good salary.. I need money... not a lot.. just enough to save for the near future and to handle my current necessities.. If the job was ever for money I would have left this company much earlier.. may be within 2 years of being here.. I wanted to relax.. I wanted to cool...and this became a perfect place.. and I give my sincere efforts to the projects I am allotted too. That is all.

I still remember the day when I had gone to my HOD to get an attestation for the UGC NET exam right after my post graduation.. He was surprised that I wanted to try my hands in teaching.. He even offered me an option.. (I was already campus recruited) Stay back and do M Phil under my supervision and take some stipend (say 2k if I remember correctly) and once that is done, he would pull me in, in the same university. I replied only one line "I need some industry experience before I can teach someone.. " He looked at me and then said.. you can decide and let me know.. even though he knew I wasnt coming back. That is how I felt about my teachers. If they had had some real life experience on what they were teaching, they might have done some justice.. it was either way above our heads or way too below. There were no real life examples or applications of what we studied..

Thinking of that day brings me an urge to finish what I have at hand now and try my hands again at that.. I have been talking to HOD's through some acquaintances and things are so different now.. They need a Ph.D which I am not capable of.. I am not that creative or smart... I love teaching.. that is all that drives me. They discourage me saying that the pay will be very bad and that it will not be half of what I earn.. I don't know why it always has to be about money.. Agreed that money is important.. but that is not the only thing required.. is it? How many people have lost their jobs in a day..what do they do ? Dont they survive.. Where there is a will there is a way.. But with this age, will I be able to do the same justice to teaching as I would have done say 5 years ago ? Even technically things have advanced so much, will I be able to cope up and handle that pressure ?  I don't know. I don't know even if I will land myself in a teaching position going forward.. But that is what I would like to do if I leave this industry. I dont know anything else.

So , what am I doing here still ? enjoying my stay, as always, doing the work allotted by someone.. (I ain't creative or interested enough to do anything else here..but sincere enough to do what is given to me ), enjoy my travels (which started recently.. who thought that I will travel to a place called Guadalajara in this big world..) and earning some money along with it..

What will I do next? I have the least idea about it... I am not left with too many options in life at this juncture.. but I know I will fare well in whatever I do and where ever I go. Even if something I wanted doesnt come my way, I know that whatever comes my way will be better than what I had wanted and may be , who knows, it might lead me to the things I 'really' wanted.. Life is always a mystery.. and journey is amazing..

I know that suddenly I became too preachy or sentimental.... I blame it on the rain today :) .

Exciting Thrillers

Boy.. there is nothing like a racy thriller that can keep me occupied and in a state of constant excitement. I can almost feel the rush of adrenaline within me and blood pounding my brain, particularly when I am nearing the solution of the mystery. I just completed my book "Silent Predator" by Tony Park. I started it of day before yesterday or so once I completed my "Four Just Men" by Edgar Wallace. By the time I completed it, I needed a cool drink to bring down my temperature.

The recent set of books which gave me the same excitement apart from the Silent Predator are the "Anatomist's   Apprentice (a Dr Thomas Silkstone Mystery #1)" - Tessa Harris and "The Interpretation of Murder" - Jed Rubenfeld. All these three were page turners and I was in for a surprise till the last page. I love reading these kind of books. I have got two more with me to continue my reading spree. Especially for someone who has been shuffled between projects to delivery some quickies, these books bring a lot of the much needed stress relief (it also adds some stress as these stories keep playing at the back of my head all day long and I run back home to complete them, literally) and my electricity bills down (no TV until I finish these books, except for the CSK matches ..just like the one today which is getting stopped because of the rain)

If you want some racy thrillers (I would rate them 3/5...all three...) to engage yourself, pick one or all of the above mentioned books and you will not be disappointed.

Happy Reading...

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And when I was trying to cool myself off, the few seconds rain cleared and game continued.. even beyond 12 in the morning and I was so frustrated that CSK will go to another last ball game (Hussey was gone.. Dhoni ... gone...) that I went to sleep.. The last match which I saw , CSK went to the last ball and lost!!! That was so so sad.. I did not want a sad ending today..

But when I got up the next morning, I badly wanted to check the result of the match and to my surprise, the paperwala forgot to put the paper today.. Shoot.. I logged on and checked the result of the game.. Boy!! CSK won!!! wow.. Ran to the TV to check the news channel and to my sweet surprise, the last channel that I had watched was Set Max.. There was the match being replayed.. I was like "aathaadi!!!! U must be kidding me right..". No points for guessing what I did next.. Just relaxed. Completed the match and then started for my office...CSK are pure entertainers man.. They raise your hopes and drop them and then suddenly out of the blue there is a new guy who would deliver, mostly from the least expected person.... You never know how the game would go in a CSK match (mostly because may be those are the ones I mostly watch..)

When I had thought that Jadeja would do the honors of winning the match... he got out.. It was like a Whodunit at that point of time. I was getting super excited.. inspite of knowing the result.. Then there was Morkel and Anirudha. Whenver I see Morkel I dont know why I get a feeling that things will be alright.. He and his dead cool demeanor gives me so much comfort, I dont know why. He is one guy whom I have always loved to watch all through the CSK's IPL history.. (I wish he is there in CSK forever ;) ) Then I wished that he would do it.. And there was this big anti climax.. Boy.. I was like.. "WOW.. I would have had a heart attack if I had seen it yday night.... ". I love IPLs :D


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After the match with KKR in Eden Gardens..
Chennai super kings ku raise your hands :).. I almost had a super HIGH BP.  Boys.... cant you please stop doing this again and again.. Wow.. too much excitement is bad for my health paa.. ennala mudiyala.. if the floor was filled with sand, my head would have been inside it.. oops.. All the very best CSK.. keep going..

Sad day..

It doesn't often happen that you feel sad for someone's sad state of affairs. Especially when they are not your friend, at least not that close enough. To hear such a story from a person, who has been always lively and whom I have known only recently well enough ( talking to a person doesn't mean that you know them ) to understand how genuine and straight forward this person is, was a bit of a shocker. I hate to be a listener at those times. I was , for a few minutes, wondering if I was hearing it right and wondering if it was a bad dream or a bad joke that this person is so accustomed to plays us with. But when I saw those tears, I wanted to run away from that place. Not because I cannot stand tears.. I feel, crying is a very nice way of letting out things when you cannot express them by words. But the look of sadness in the face.. I just did not want to hear the story. Mainly because I wont be able to console. I have been through that phase of loss. But no words can give any consolation to the broken heart when the feeling of loss is so fresh on the mind. All I could do was to listen. I knew that at the end, it mattered a lot to that person to let it to someone who knew how it would feel. But it made me feel so sad that I wish that things work out well enough for all the people involved in it in a better way for a better future. I , at least, thought that this person had a perfect life. But human minds and the feelings they evoke are so mysterious that ... well I am surprised with today's events. That is all I can say.

I feel relationships are simple to handle but we make it so complex with so many layers of formalities, rules of trust, rules of compromise.. what not ...added to it, that it looks like a maze. And how even some trivial issues of the past, which might bear no importance in the current state, becomes a big issue and a deciding factor in a relationship , even if it was successful for more than a decade. Man, I thought that my life was messed up. At least I did not have much at stake. Just my life, which I can handle very well by myself. But to see the same mistake done by someone else when they had so much at stake at this point of their life. Its sad...really sad...Guess some people never grow up or they grow up very late, when they have lost everything...

I used to believe that time is a big factor in a relationship and that you will understand a person only with time. But I realized that it was a big myth with my case. Because after a decade, the other person did not understand me even 10% of what I had understood of that person. I was so much surprised when I realized how little this person knew about me. It got reiterated with today's incident.  You really do not need eons to understand a person. You just need genuine concern and interest and a pinch of trust.

Each story is so different (might have a few common factors here and there) that we will never run short of family drama's I guess. ennavo poangappa.. manasu rombha baaramaa irundhadhu innaiku.. I like stories..but not sad ones... (Sad ones are ok only in movies.. not in real life..especially with people I know..It does hurt.. )