God.. I never thought I would do this.. but to do it without even planning and to do it just because I felt like it.. it is so relieving.. I had tears when I had to even type it.. Finally I did ask "Sorry" to one of the person I had intended to ask. I am not sure if I would get the chance to say it in person.. But then I would not have had the courage to ask in person without crying.... that would have put the other person to discomfort for sure.. I knew it takes courage to ask for forgiveness and to really mean it..but never thought that the process would be so painful...just so because you really really mean it.. I am not sure how I am going to repeat this to the other 2 people I have to ask.
This person did not even remember what had happened.. Its been more than 4 years now.. But I still remember the day as if it happened very recently..For him, it might not have mattered any thing at all, but for me that incident was about my cowardice and my incapability to stand for the right thing. I was in between two people, one whom I loved and who was by all means wrong in this situation, and the other who was my manager and who did nothing wrong except do his duty. And I chose to blame my manager for the fix I was in, at that time (I really don't want to go to the specifics here.. its a long story) and that guy listened to me and did not even say a word telling me that I should sort out my issues instead of putting the blame on him.. If he had told me that, I might not have felt bad at all. But when he kept quite and further to that, he did what I had asked him.. this made things worse for me. I started feeling guilty. I knew what I had done was wrong even before I spoke the words to him, but I chose to use that workaround rather than fix the problem....And that guilt stayed with me all these years. I was not strong enough to even contemplate on asking sorry.. But today all of a sudden when I was chatting with him, I don't know why, but I went ahead and asked his forgiveness.. I couldn't help but cry when I typed those words.. but my tears are worth the effort.. He said that he did not bother about that much and that he did not even remember the incident...and hoped that I have gotten strong over these years.. and to really let go of it.. It was very kind of him to say that... but if I hadn't spoken to him today I would never have asked.. I am glad I found my courage today. And I wish I have the same courage to ask the same five letter word to the other two people whom I have wronged. It might not be a big deal for them, but it surely is, for my soul.
This person did not even remember what had happened.. Its been more than 4 years now.. But I still remember the day as if it happened very recently..For him, it might not have mattered any thing at all, but for me that incident was about my cowardice and my incapability to stand for the right thing. I was in between two people, one whom I loved and who was by all means wrong in this situation, and the other who was my manager and who did nothing wrong except do his duty. And I chose to blame my manager for the fix I was in, at that time (I really don't want to go to the specifics here.. its a long story) and that guy listened to me and did not even say a word telling me that I should sort out my issues instead of putting the blame on him.. If he had told me that, I might not have felt bad at all. But when he kept quite and further to that, he did what I had asked him.. this made things worse for me. I started feeling guilty. I knew what I had done was wrong even before I spoke the words to him, but I chose to use that workaround rather than fix the problem....And that guilt stayed with me all these years. I was not strong enough to even contemplate on asking sorry.. But today all of a sudden when I was chatting with him, I don't know why, but I went ahead and asked his forgiveness.. I couldn't help but cry when I typed those words.. but my tears are worth the effort.. He said that he did not bother about that much and that he did not even remember the incident...and hoped that I have gotten strong over these years.. and to really let go of it.. It was very kind of him to say that... but if I hadn't spoken to him today I would never have asked.. I am glad I found my courage today. And I wish I have the same courage to ask the same five letter word to the other two people whom I have wronged. It might not be a big deal for them, but it surely is, for my soul.
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