I have been in a terrible state of mind for the past few days. Till now there was a reason for me being here and to continue what I have been doing (even though it is still not fully over.. may be another 6 more months might be required), but suddenly all my pent up anger is surfacing. Because it looks now like that I might have to let go of things without saying a word or even without complaining. It is good that it is getting over, but will I feel better if I dont say what I really wanted to say to the people involved. Looks like I wont have a chance for that. I dont want to suppress it. But I dont know how to or when to express it either. Its strange that when the reason ceases to exist, you are suddenly filled with vacuum, until you find another reason :).. God!! how strange does the human mind works. Or is it only me!!! I seriously hope not. Coz if that was the case, then I might have to see a psychiatrist.
I used to feel bad and really really irritated that my life was a Big Question Mark. I just didnt know how it was going to go forward and what state will I be. What was going to happen to the problems I am facing and the struggle I had been fighting. Seriously, I hate questions, especially related to life, and for which I do not know the answer. Seems like it is still the same. I know the result of the struggle, but what next. How is it going to go. What am I going to do. I really have the liberty to do what I want now. But again the priorities are changing. I want to really get out of this city. I have had enough of it. The more I stay here, the more vengeful I am turning to. This is really bad and wrong. Its going to affect me , rather than anyone else. It is not my duty to teach anyone any lesson. It will be taken care of. Even though everyone (family and friends) believe that I was not to be blamed for what happened, I still have a part in it. I cannot deny that. Its true and there is no backing off from that. But I have suffered more than what I had done. More than anything else, these sufferings have relieved me of my guilt. You have no idea how it feels to just cry out loud and let things go. Its so damn painful. But what follows is peace, which is what you really want.
Now (may be in another 6 months time or so) I would be free again (in other ways) but my mind is full of thoughts of what I need to do after that. How are things going to be. Honestly I am afraid too. Just like before the exams. There is a small butterfly flapping inside my stomach. I wish to not make any more mistakes, which is too costly (first and foremost in terms of time). I have lost almost 12 years of my life not doing what I wanted to do ever. I used to think that 55-60 yrs should be enough for me to complete what I wanted to do and pass on to the next life (a.k.a. death) but now looks like I would need 10 more years to compensate what I had missed. Man.. time is so precious.
God , please give me enough strength to make correct decisions and just stay with me and help me out. I am so messed up right now. Please show me the right way. I know I have been blabbering a lot, but I need to let it out, otherwise I might really go mad. I used to do that even when I was young :). When I was really angry and I dont want to show my anger, I would write it down and then after reading it, tear it off. When computers came in, I typed and did not save it. I am going to save this because I want to have this as a checkpoint and remind me of what lessons I have learnt and make my decisions very carefully. Not everyone gets a second chance in Life. I need to use it wisely. God help me with it. Please !!!
When you make a mistake, don't look back at it long. Take the reason of the thing into your mind and then look forward. Mistakes are lessons of wisdom. The past cannot be changed. The future is yet in your power.
Hugh White (1773 - 1840)
I used to feel bad and really really irritated that my life was a Big Question Mark. I just didnt know how it was going to go forward and what state will I be. What was going to happen to the problems I am facing and the struggle I had been fighting. Seriously, I hate questions, especially related to life, and for which I do not know the answer. Seems like it is still the same. I know the result of the struggle, but what next. How is it going to go. What am I going to do. I really have the liberty to do what I want now. But again the priorities are changing. I want to really get out of this city. I have had enough of it. The more I stay here, the more vengeful I am turning to. This is really bad and wrong. Its going to affect me , rather than anyone else. It is not my duty to teach anyone any lesson. It will be taken care of. Even though everyone (family and friends) believe that I was not to be blamed for what happened, I still have a part in it. I cannot deny that. Its true and there is no backing off from that. But I have suffered more than what I had done. More than anything else, these sufferings have relieved me of my guilt. You have no idea how it feels to just cry out loud and let things go. Its so damn painful. But what follows is peace, which is what you really want.
Now (may be in another 6 months time or so) I would be free again (in other ways) but my mind is full of thoughts of what I need to do after that. How are things going to be. Honestly I am afraid too. Just like before the exams. There is a small butterfly flapping inside my stomach. I wish to not make any more mistakes, which is too costly (first and foremost in terms of time). I have lost almost 12 years of my life not doing what I wanted to do ever. I used to think that 55-60 yrs should be enough for me to complete what I wanted to do and pass on to the next life (a.k.a. death) but now looks like I would need 10 more years to compensate what I had missed. Man.. time is so precious.
God , please give me enough strength to make correct decisions and just stay with me and help me out. I am so messed up right now. Please show me the right way. I know I have been blabbering a lot, but I need to let it out, otherwise I might really go mad. I used to do that even when I was young :). When I was really angry and I dont want to show my anger, I would write it down and then after reading it, tear it off. When computers came in, I typed and did not save it. I am going to save this because I want to have this as a checkpoint and remind me of what lessons I have learnt and make my decisions very carefully. Not everyone gets a second chance in Life. I need to use it wisely. God help me with it. Please !!!
